I’m not necessarily prone to reflection at the end of the year, but I’ll do my best. This year was a big year for me. For the first time in a very long time, I made a lot of progress on personal goals and growth. Which made me feel in turn accomplished, a bit proud, and selfish… looks like I still have some areas to grow in.
At the end of October of 2017, I started going back to school to get my BS in Marketing (and yes, I love the irony). It has been a hard process. I procrastinate a lot, then have a ton of stress and tears with looming deadlines to meet… more growth opportunities. 🙂 The hardest part? I graduate at the end of April 2019 and I feel completely unprepared and unqualified to do ANYTHING in my new field. Today, I decided that I’m going to spend some time analyzing ads and what makes them appealing or unappealing, and what makes them so. I’m going to read books and blogs and websites about marketing so that I can be better educated about marketing. Instead of letting life happen to, or around me, I’m going to participate even though I feel *unworthy* of the success I may find. I also have no idea where this journey is going. In general, I don’t necessarily believe that God has an individual, step-by-step plan for everybody all the time. This part of my journey, though, feels different. It feels like there is something specific that I’m waiting on, a certain part it’s supposed to play. So, in patience (or impatience?) I’m waiting on God to show me what comes next.
I took a scary step in May. I went to a leadership conference with my parents and some of our church leaders. I took a chance and pitched myself to one of our pastors as a communications/marketing intern. And surprise, I got the ‘job’ on the spot! I say ‘job’ because it’s unpaid. I need the experience, people! It’s still hard to believe that people trust me and care about what I have to say, but I’m doing my best and relying on God to help me get through the anxiety and insecurities that make me doubt that what I’ve done is enough.
I have been struggling a lot emotionally lately, and finally started seeing a new therapist. When we lived in San Diego, I had a fantastic therapist, Ed Lowery. (If you’re in that area and in need of therapy, I HIGHLY recommend him. Read about him on Psychology Today’s website HERE.) I haven’t had good experiences with therapists back here in Oroville, but I decided to take another shot and I have been pleasantly surprised this time. Taking time to take care of my mental health is hard since I feel like I’m supposed to be doing it all, all the time. News flash: I can’t, which makes me feel like a failure. Another news flash: it doesn’t make me a failure. It doesn’t make you a failure either (just FYI).
We put off adopting all year. There’s so much to do to prepare, but I finally set aside the need to do everything RIGHT NOW. I am going to finish school, and we’ll go from there. Want to know a secret? I still struggle with wishing I could have my own biological children. Maybe not for the reasons you might think, though. Sure, there’s some of that, the feeling like I’m somehow not enough because I can’t ‘produce’ my own children with my own body; but the real reason is because it is easier than going through the fost-adopt process. I struggle with feeling like it’s not fair that pretty much anyone can have kids, but I have to jump through hoop after hoop and be judged and examined. I know, I know – poor me… I also get that the first part is the reason for the last part. And in theory I am glad that the process exists because these traumatized children shouldn’t be placed in another home that will traumatize them. Nevertheless, I still feel like it’s unfair. Growth opportunity?
We took in a family member that lost their home in the Camp Fire. That has been hard. For so many reasons. It makes me face my own mental illness to see if there are areas that can be better controlled, or dealt with to become healthier.
The last thing that makes the list of ‘big things’ is that I have felt a call to share my story in a larger way. I’ve talked to people one-on-one, or even in small groups under 15, but never in a large group. So, I applied to be a speaker at a conference in March. I was accepted! The gravity of the responsibility is weighing on my mind, but I’m also terribly excited. If you’re a woman that is struggling with mental health or love someone that is, and if you’ve been injured by people in a church setting because they didn’t understand how to help, please come see me speak. Or we can meet for coffee. The conference gives you the opportunity to hear other people speak about their experiences with brokenness and healing in other contexts. It’s only $20, registration starts in January. I’ll share the registration link once it’s live. It’s in Chico, CA, so if you’re nearby you should check it out.
I’m looking forward to more big things in 2019, but don’t worry, I’ll be sharing my real, everyday life, too. Because that’s the stuff that life is truly made of. It’s where we connect with each other. One thing I’ve learned is that we take the power of our stories and journeys away if we don’t share them with each other.
Much love for the new year, Teri
My Real Everyday Life 