If at first you don’t succeed

Well, I was waiting and waiting to write until I knew one way or the other about the job I hoped to get, and finally the news came in last week, I was NOT successful. And I cried. And you know what? It’s also all ok. Sometimes, failure is a just setback, sometimes it’s a place for growth, and sometimes it is a place to take a pause and wait and think and pray about what is really next for you. And that last place is, I think, where I am right now.

I don’t think I was wrong to try for this job, I don’t regret the process even though I didn’t get the job. But it has given me pause. Honestly, I have A LOT going on right now, and a total shift in career in the middle of everything might not be the best plan, and I’m ok with that. I really tried to find a job on a dare, and this showed me that there are companies out there willing to consider me and my talents as they are, but it also was an incredibly stressful wait that interfered in my mental health a bit and in my schoolwork.

Here’s the thing. I have other options. I told Jason (my husband, for those who don’t know) yesterday that I feel stuck in my life right now. But I also know that is an illusion, in some ways. Being stuck in the waiting periods of your life is not exactly the same thing as being stuck in life. I think I am just in the waiting. I just don’t know what exactly I’m waiting FOR, except everything, LOL! Right now the things I am currently waiting on are:

1. All the baby stuff. I am currently waiting for surgery so we can move forward with the process of building our family. I have no idea where my name is on the list of people waiting for elective surgery with the ONE robotics surgeon at my local hospital, and I also have no control of where my name is on that list.
2. Finishing school. It only goes so fast, and while it is speeding along nicely, I am still 10 months out from graduation. I know, I know, you’re telling me that it will go by all too quickly, and yes, I’m sure it will, but I still feel like I’m waiting in some regards to move on with living my life until school is done and I have this additional degree in hand.
3. A career move. While I love the people I work with, and we do great, worthwhile, and important work, I don’t feel fed there. I don’t feel like my time, talents, or skills are being utilized in a way that meets my needs and it feels like my soul is slowly dying. I am incredibly grateful for the fact that I have such a great job, don’t get me wrong at all, I do know what I have – it just isn’t the right fit for ME is all.

I sort of feel like, at 37, I’m still waiting for the “main part” of my life to start, while I also feel like it’s flying past me and I’m missing it. It is such a hard thing to balance – living the life I currently have, truly living it, is a choice that I have. I can choose to let it go by me while I wait for something better, OR I can choose to live my life in the waiting. And that is where I struggle, but it is also what I want. I think that might be the best way I can describe my challenge with contentment. In a lot of ways, I feel content with my life the way it is. It is comfortable, after all, even if the monotony of it can feel mind-numbing sometimes. And then there’s the flip-side of contentment, which is just the other side of the same coin, I think, and that is ambition. And I think you can have both things. I am both content with what I have, but also want more out of life than I’m currently getting where I am. I feel like I’m living in a ‘pregnant pause’ in my life, but I’m afraid the waiting will go on forever instead of just being a period in my life to grow, learn, and plan. What if it isn’t a pregnant pause after all, and it is just the silence of my soul dying slowly until my body slowly follows in a few decades?

So, while I have lots of future ideas floating around in my head, I think I’ll hold a few of them close to my chest and work on living my life in the waiting. As a strategic thinker, I don’t think I will ever NOT have plans floating around in my heard, but I can certainly do a better job of actively living the life that I have, even if those plans never come to fruition. And that’s just what I’ll do for the moment. I will choose to truly live my life in the waiting instead of letting it pass me by while I pine for the days ahead.

If you’re struggling in some sort of waiting, maybe you can join me in this commitment! I’d love to hear about it in the comments, and while you’re here, please subscribe to my blog so you’ll get an email update when I post. That way, you’ll never miss another of my riveting TED talks…🤣🤣🤣

Much Love,
Teri