Welcome back to the grind

Ahhhhh, the sweet smell of returning to work after the holidays…

I know I’m not alone in the fact that the holidays somehow felt harder this year. I was quite blue. I tried to write a few times here, but it all came out sounding whiny and childish. I did promise to share the good, the bad, and the boring with you all, but I didn’t promise to whine when I don’t get to feel or do the things I want to feel and do. So, I didn’t write. But I thought of you all – often. I wondered how many of you were struggling with finding joy and cheer this time of year like I was. Christmas just felt different. Some indefinable quality was just missing, and I noticed and I think grieved whatever it was. I love the child-like joy I feel around the holidays, usually, and this year it just wasn’t part of my experience. I DO hope that in at least some small way, you were able to experience it yourself. But if not, I’m here to tell you… it’s ok.

We hear it said all the time, usually in some trite fashion even if it’s true, that it’s ok to not be ok. And even now, it sounds poo-poo-y. Like, yeah yeah, I get it, we all struggle, blah blah blah. I know a ton of words, but I’m not sure I’ve learned to put them together in a way that makes it sound any less banal. But, I am here to tell you that feeling sad when there is supposed to be joy happens, and it’s ok. We need to hold space for those feelings, lean into their uncomfortableness, and really feel what we’re feeling. Look at it, weigh it, and only then can we find a way to move on with it. It can be an unfamiliar weight to carry, it can leave us unbalanced in our emotional footing, but we can learn to walk upright under it all once again. And, maybe one day, we will get to set it down and continue on without it. Or, maybe it never goes away and it just changes. Either way, we can learn to live and enjoy life even when choosing joy doesn’t come naturally.

The weariness, for me, set in after Thanksgiving. After the 3 days off we were given, and then the weekend, you would think I could have returned to work refreshed and renewed. But rest, true rest, has been hard for me to find lately. So, I struggled through December, taking a few hours off here and there trying to somehow recover myself and find the energy and motivation to get up and do the things every day. Then Christmas came around. I’m so thankful that my boss approved my extra time off the week of Christmas at the last minute. I felt like I might finally get the distance and rest I needed to return to work refreshed and ready in the new year. I did work 3 days between Christmas and New Year, but then I had a few more days to myself before the real return to work. Let me tell you, walking into work on that Monday morning was hard! To be totally honest, I almost turned around and walked right back out for good (this is the longest amount of time I’ve ever held down a single job!) But through the week, I continued to put one foot in front of the other. I even had some personal successes and breakthroughs that made the week tougher, but also sweeter.

And now another journey is about to begin. I talked about going to grad school, and now it is (almost) officially upon me! January 10th is the official start of the semester, and I am already feeling deep-seated anxiety, and I’ve been struggling to make progress in my classes prior to the start of the session. I will say, the panic attacks haven’t fully set in, and I’m hoping solid planning and follow-through will keep them at bay. I’ve utilized several new planner inserts to keep myself moving forward even when I feel like I’m not making any REAL progress yet. Yes, the above link is to my Tula XII site if you want to check it out for yourself, LOL. #shameless. But, it is truly helping to see what my schedule looks like for the week to see how doable this journey really is. Plus, I keep reminding myself it’s only a 1-year program. I can do this for a year, even if it’s hard. Also, unhelpfully, I keep reminding myself in bouts of anxiety that I have to get at least a 3.0 or they’ll kick me out of the program since my acceptance is conditional. You know, because that boosts productivity… It also definitely doesn’t kick my perfectionism in my work into high gear or anything. Except, of course it does, which can be a good thing, but it often leaves me frozen and unable to START writing anything because I don’t think it will be perfect. I’m learning to just put the words on the page, and that I can fix them before I turn it in, but I have got to get words on the page regardless. That is very hard for me. But, I guess I digress.

I think way back when I started this blog, I shared my Amazon playlist that I made for when I’m feeling anxious. I just rediscovered it, and just in the nick of time, too, since I’m starting to struggle again. Today, I’ll just share the first song on the list that really helps ground me. It reminds me that, even if I forget something important at work, even if I fail an assignment, even if I get kicked out of my graduate program, even if I never see my dreams realized, even if… I still can know that I am valued by my creator. That I don’t have to earn God’s love by somehow being good enough. He accepts me, he loves me, he made me, and because of that I can be secure, even if. So here it is, Stand In Your Love by Bethel Music and Josh Baldwin. I hope you can take a moment and listen, and be reminded of who you are and that you are loved regardless of your failures or faults. Just like me.

Much Love,
Teri