Here we go again

Hello friends! I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here yet that I got into grad school at Cal Baptist! I’m so excited, but I’m also a little scared if I’m being honest. I keep remembering how hard it was to go back and get my bachelor’s degree. I struggled hard. If any readers were here then, you might remember I cried a lot, had a lot of fears and doubts, and even failed some classes because my bipolar disorder and ADHD got out of hand. Back then, I started back on medication for ADHD (Adderall), but that triggered a mania for me and everything went off the rails. I forget what I was taking last for ADHD, but I remember it wasn’t a stimulant like Adderall or Ritalin. I can’t take it if I get pregnant from our first frozen embryo transfer in June, though. I remember, as well, how hard it was to do school without medication to help me focus. My brain feels fuzzy and I can’t concentrate. Sometimes it felt like my brain would buzz right out of my ears.

So, to make a long story long, LOL, I am facing some amount of anxiety about school. Do I go back on medication at the beginning, do I try to do it all without? Decisions, decisions… I’m hoping that, since it has only been 2 years since I last went to school, it won’t be too hard to get back into the swing of it. I do feel like I have forgotten how to write academically, which is worrisome. I think it will all come back pretty quickly, though. Fingers crossed and prayers said!

The only thing keeping me from going off the deep end with anxiety right now is the passage in Philippians that culminates in the verse, “I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phillippians 4:13). I even made a desktop background slideshow with that verse featured on each slide as a reminder to myself when I feel like I just can’t go on. Because, frankly, I know I will get to that place. I have such a hard time believing in myself and my dreams. I’m an optimist by nature, but I have severe bouts of doubt about my ability to build the life I want to live. At moments like this, I know I am completely capable of, and driven to, create the life I dream of living. But, there will be times in the near future when I will firmly believe otherwise. Panic attacks will likely ensue, tears will be shed, hugs from Jason will be the only thing holding me together at times. I will need encouragement, but likely I won’t reach out for it because I’ll be afraid that other people will confirm my darkest fears – that I’m not going to ever achieve my goals and dreams because I am somehow unworthy of the life I want, or that I’m just not smart enough or capable enough to make it happen.

So can I ask you, now, for that support later? Hopefully I won’t be afraid to write about it when it happens. If I can bring myself to write about it, can we make a deal that you’ll share a kind word of encouragement with me in the comments then? It takes a village, and I need a community that I can trust to lift me up when I can’t stand on my own, just like I try to always be uplifting and encouraging to you, my readers, and everyone around me. Can we do that for each other? Can we all try to be the good we feel is lacking in the world sometimes? I’ll leave you with that thought. Thanks for being here, thanks for investing your time in my thoughts, hopes, and dreams.

Much Love,
Teri

P.S. Sorry I don’t have a song or video for you today!