I have been fairly embarrassed to write in this blog after announcing that I had started my own freelance marketing business. Partly I was just busy, but a large part of it was being, sort of, ashamed that I had given up on my dream so quickly and taken a job I never wanted to do just to be sure we had money. Now, I understand that taking a job to support my family isn’t shameful, especially one with good pay, good benefits, and great people; however, it was the fact that I gave up my dream so easily when things got scary. See, the truth is, sometimes I’m just not that brave.
It’s hard to put yourself out there for rejection or failure, and my fragile ego couldn’t take it. I’m struggling now applying for a bunch of remote marketing jobs since the rejection emails have started rolling in. I know it only takes one company to say yes, and hopefully, it’ll be one of the better companies I’ve applied with, but it is still hard to get those nicely worded “we’re going in a different direction” emails. I already have a hard time with seeming rejection, let alone actual rejection. Granted, it doesn’t hurt as bad as feeling rejected or misunderstood by loved ones, but I still feel mild shame that I wasted their time with my application.
I think I’ve blogged about shame before, but it’s worth talking about it again. See shame, true feelings of shame, are not always helpful. Sure, those feelings are useful when we’ve done things intentionally, or maybe negligently, to hurt someone. But outside of that, shame can be a real liar. Shame says you are less than. It says you are somehow inherently worse than other people. Shame whispers, “See, you were right with your negative self-talk all along…” and nothing could be further from the truth. Philosophically, I’m not sure if I feel such intense shame over inconsequential things because I’m bipolar, or if my experiences of being misunderstood and stigmatized as a bipolar person led to those deep feelings. Maybe it’s a “chicken and the egg” type question? All I know is that when I lay awake at night feeling deep, dark feelings of shame at 3 in the morning for something accidental I did, or maybe said, that might have unintentionally hurt someone when I was in the 3rd grade is kind of ridiculous.
This is when I have to go back to scripture to see who God says I really am. The only way to put shame in its place is to fight back with truth, rather than just blindly believing the lies it tells you. Shame condemns you, but the New Testament writer Paul writes in Romans 8:1-2, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” If there is no condemnation for those in Christ, then shame has no hold on you. What I’m still trying to untangle are feelings of remorse and shame. I suppose they’re 2 different things, but they are almost inextricably linked in my experience. I guess I should work on that more. To me, I feel like if I feel remorse for something, I should burden myself with shame, as well, to really apply the punishment. Again, I don’t know if the shame that was put on me as a child over my actions around undiagnosed bipolar 1, or the bipolar disorder itself, is the root of that. What I do know is that shame can’t have a hold on me if I am not condemned. That is a hard statement to write since I have such a hard time believing it. But isn’t that what shame does? It tries to convince you that while that whole no condemnation stuff is nice, and maybe true of everyone else, it just can’t apply to you because you’re somehow inherently worse than other humans.
Whether you have a mental illness or not, He’s a chain breaker folks. When you hear nothing but lies from yourself or others, run to Jesus, for he will tell you the truth of who you really are.
Much Love,
Teri
P.S. I’m doing a new thing you might want to check out! I’m making inspirational items you can purchase from my Etsy shop. I’ve designed mugs, cups, and t-shirts that CustomCat will print and send to you. You can check it out here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/HeartfeltHandmadeDes
The unicorn design has #bipolardisorder on it, the Different design says #beYOUnique, and the Hang in there cat says #lifegetsbetter. If you want me to design you something custom, hit me up, I’d be happy to do it!
My Real Everyday Life 