Well, maybe, anyway. I’m at least here, touching base with everyone to update you if you haven’t been able to stay current on my story through social media (since I’m terrible at reaching out).
This year has seen some real highs and some deep lows. Some of the highest highs were completing the adoption of our 4 embryos, and meeting our wonderful donors! That was miraculous! To those that have supported us along the way, financially, prayerfully, and thoughtfully, THANK YOU! You have been key in helping see our dreams come to fruition. Unfortunately, that brings me to the lowest low I experienced this year. We were on track to do our first frozen embryo transfer on August 27th, but in June we found out that I was going to need surgery before we could move forward. It is now almost December, and that surgery still hasn’t been scheduled. I thought I would be ok if that was the outcome of my appointment in June, but it really came so unexpectedly that I wasn’t able to cope. In a way, it unmoored me and I fell off the face of the earth. I’ve slowly been able to reach back out to connect with people and anchor myself back here in the reality I don’t want to face – while we’ve made so much progress, we STILL don’t have children, and we don’t even have a date for when we can try to make that happen.
For those of you that kept reaching out to me, even when I couldn’t put much effort into holding up my end of the relationship, thank you. To those that didn’t even notice – it’s ok. I didn’t really notice what was up with anyone else, either. If you were just barely surviving like I was, let me know if you need an anchor point to help you start facing your reality, too.
One thing I learned through all of this is that I am not alone. Like the song above says, “In the midst of deep sorrow, I see your light is breaking through.” Through this storm of mine, there was always a small light, like a candle, in the darkness. Sometimes I lost sight of it, which was scary, but it was always there nonetheless. The one thing that kept me here was the hope that God has put in my heart that tomorrow doesn’t have to be like today. A hopeless night doesn’t have to lead to a hopeless morning. His strength lifted me up and has helped me walk this road. It has been terribly hard, I don’t think he necessarily carried me through it, but he helped me climb back out of the pit little by little. And even though I’m still hurting, I have hope.
Through all of this, I’ve also been struggling with some angst, though really when have I not? I have been grappling with the fact that I took a job out of necessity, but it doesn’t fulfill me. I’ll be straight-up honest. In my last blog post, I said out loud that I had started my own freelance design and copywriting business, but I wasn’t brave enough to live that out without knowing if I could make it profitable. I needed to make money, so I chose to take a good job, with great benefits that I have been incredibly grateful for. Now, I feel, it is time to move on. So, that end, I have been accepted into grad school at Cal Baptist where I got my bachelor’s degree. My master’s degree will be in Strategic Communication, which will augment what I already learned in my Marketing program. I’m also looking for remote jobs in the SF Bay Area to start taking my career in the direction of my dreams.
The rest of it, well, I’ve been here before. My mental illness is being blamed for me wanting to move in the direction I have been wanting to go in for years. I’ve been told that my dreams are too big for where I live, which in some ways is true, but it is not an excuse to not live them out. It’s time for me to take control of my life and be responsible for the dream God gave me. And finally, I will! There’s no more time to wait to make this happen. I either need to set out to thrive, or I need to accept that my dreams will never come true and settle for the life I never wanted to choose. And honestly, that’s just not my style.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you, as always, for listening to my ramblings. Go out there and live your big dreams – after all, you were meant to! If you are struggling through, you don’t have to struggle alone. Reach out by email or leave a comment here and I’ll be there to help if I can. Even if helping is just a listening, validating ear. I’ve got two of those.
Much Love,
Teri
My Real Everyday Life 