Trying something new

Hey friends! I know I’ve been MIA for a long time!! Here’s the deal:

I’ve been struggling for a while, and turns out it’s been a lot longer than I realized. I’ve shared before that I have bipolar disorder (bipolar 1). Lately, a lot of things have been going wrong, I’ve been crying a lot, feeling out of control of my entire life, and grasping at straws to hold everything together and failing. I’ve been looking for the next thing, and the next thing, and the next thing to make me feel better, which has led to buying a bunch of crap that I don’t need. Stuff I like, but nothing I needed. This has taken its toll on my marriage. We’re not on the rocks or even close, but I know there is a lot of hurt and anger and confusion.

I’ve not been taking care of my diabetes since last September/October, even though I want and need to. I have every intention of doing it everyday when I wake up, but by lunchtime I either give myself excuses or just feel incapable and like I’ll inevitably fail so I might as well give up now.

As you all know, I took an extra class at school in January and February which ended with me failing 2 of my 3 classes. I’m close to failing the ONE class I’m in now because I feel like I just can’t do it.

I started with a new network marketing company, which I love, but I’m afraid it was just another empty attempt at making myself feel better. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to do something with it, but I’m not sure when I set out I planned on being successful. (If you want to learn more about personal and home fragrances that are organic and do not contain any harmful chemicals or endocrine disruptors, click HERE and HERE).

Please, I’m not sharing any of this for advice (if I want your personal advice I will certainly ask) or for judgement or criticism, I’m just letting you know where I am. Even though I’ve been treated for my condition for years, I know that my regular mood stabilizer didn’t necessarily take care of all of my symptoms. It did what I thought was a good enough job, it still let me feel like ME, and didn’t have any ugly side effects. What I didn’t notice for 2 years was that I was cycling between mania and depression again. At first, it wasn’t too noticeable, but it has grown increasingly more frequent and wide. I just realized last week that I was in a real depression to the point of fantasizing some nights about just taking all of my pills and going to bed, never to wake again. I’m not saying I was on the brink of suicide or anything, but the thought attractively crossed my mind with increasing frequency.

I recently spoke at a women’s conference about mental illness, of all things. I told the ladies there the truth – that there is no shame in having a mental illness. More than that, mental illness is really a misnomer since there are actually physical differences in our brains from people that are neurotypical. That while we aren’t responsible for our conditions, we get to be responsible for our outcomes. And I truly believe those things! BUT – I also like to think that I should be better now. Not stop-taking-my-pills better, but that my treatment is going very well and I shouldn’t struggle with it anymore because I’m better.

However, I found myself struggling, HARD. I’m struggling with my increased symptoms. I’m struggling with shame over struggling, but also for not recognizing the fact that I’ve been struggling for so long. The fact that I have nothing to be ashamed of is hard to hold onto. Like, to the point where I feel ashamed for feeling ashamed. How’s that for nuts?! I know it doesn’t make sense, but I feel it anyway.

This has all led to me seeing my psychiatrist earlier today and telling him the truth about what I’ve been going through for the last at least 2 years, even though all along I’ve been telling him things are good. (When he asked why, I told him that it was mostly that I wanted it to be ok, or I thought I should be ok, or I really felt ok when I said it). He’s decided to add another medication to my daily regimen. Friends, let me tell you, it makes me feel even more shame that now I have to take an anti-psychotic medication.
Anti-psychotic…
It has such an ugly and negative connotation, doesn’t it? This is still something I’m coming to grips with, but nevertheless I will begin taking it tonight.

So, here’s to HOPE! Here’s to my future, to my family, and to healing! I welcome your encouragement and questions, but not debate, at this time. I am fragile right now. This may be a process of trying only one, or several different medications to get the right results. I’m doing the best I can (which is a sad, sad, sad truth). I look forward to the future, but the near future feels bleak. I will hold onto hope, and to love, and I will trust this process.

Thanks for hanging in there, friends. And if you don’t or can’t, I wish you well. I’m not easy to love or hold onto.

I’ll try to keep those who want to know in the loop during this process. Want to wish me well, ask questions, or just share kind comments for people like me? Drop it in the comments or email me at realeverydaylifeblog@gmail.com

Much Love,
Teri